4th of 12 Short Films: “The Llama Llover.”

My 4th short film this year is called “The Llama Llover.” It’s about a woman who loves llamas and a man that loves her. Shot in Cusco Peru and cost me about $50 US dollars to make mainly because renting a Llama for 2 hours costs about $33. 4 films down this year and 8 more to go!! Hope you enjoy.

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Byedios Cusco, Peru

Byedios Cusco, Peru. You little baby lamb that I thought was a baby llama. Stop teasing me with all your charm like cobblestone streets and quaint little shops. I’ll miss you. Cusco is a tourist city with the majority of everything catered to tourism since it’s the feeder city to Machu Picchu. Which can be great and annoying at the same time.

LLAMA DAMMA DING DONG:  If there is a place where llamas come to be in heaven it’s Cusco. They roam the streets in herds with sheep as their minions.

They have Cholitas trying to get you to take a picture with llamas, alpacas and baby sheep that you think are baby llamas till you post to social media and get called out. Then you cry and swear baby sheep names!!! Damn you Snuggle Button! Damn you for fooling me. Below is the pic of the baby sheep that fooled me, I guess I just wanted to believe he was a llama.

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This is Poncho. He’s super famous. He’s not a llama either. He’s an Alpaca. Hard to tell the difference. You can get educated and figure it out or you can just say it’s close enough and enjoy the moment. Ignorance is bliss in llama education.

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GUINEA PIG: A cute pet in the States. Is a delicious entrée in Peru. They eat Guinea pig which they call Cuy. Which means I ate guinea pig. They make you name it a pet name before you eat it, I named my guinea pig Mister Pepper Pants. And it was very underwhelming. It had barely meat on it. Just blah, kinda tastes like chicken. I took pics so I look cool and I could gross you out enjoy, he looks like a dinosaur.

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MY 4th SHORT FILM “THE LLAMA LOVER”: This is going to be the most ridiculous movie I’ve created so far and I can’t wait to edit it. Inspired by a fellow Remote, Casey, who does never ending selfies with llamas everyday while in Peru.Here’s a pic of my 3 stars including Poncho the beautiful Llama Poncho (which is really an Alpaca, don’t tell anyone)

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MACHU PICCHU: The gem of Cusco is the feeder city to Machu Picchu, what a beautiful place. It’s a must see in South America. I was supposed to do a 4 day Inca Trail Hike. But my cough I inherited from Bolivia didn’t want to leave me. Making hiking 4 days a determent to my health. So I opted out of the hike and took the train up to Machu Picchu to meet up with the hikers in my group. Machu Picchu is gorgeous. It’s that one friend that you take pictures with that makes you look like a piping hot pile of diarrhea next to it. Damn it’s gorgeous. Why they built a civilization in the middle of no where is beyond me. I’m just glad they did. I’ll try to do a post for it on it’s own because there’s to much to share.

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SAN PEDRO MARKET: I loved this market. I will dare say this is my favorite Street Market I have been to in the world. Its not to big and not to small. And I ate here a lot and never got sick. Yeah, they had tourist crap everywhere with llamas sewn into anything that you could put on your body or near it but I came here to be fed like a local for only 6 soles which is $2 US.

Super Cheap $2 meals. Chicken Soup, Ceviche, Plates of Rice with chicken or sausage and avacodo. The rice plates were served by a lady that I’d like to call Boss Lady. Because her food tasted boss and she cooked like a boss.

Juice stalls that made you fresh juice. They all would yell at you to come to their stall but there is no way to differentiate who’s better. The girl serving me juice looks so pissed off.

Also there’s Pigs with sunglasses and slutty pigs that have their asses hanging out.

FOOD: If you know me then you know that I sing when I’m eating good food. More like humming. I hummed the shit out of Peru. The food was amazing here. Best in South America in my opinion. My post in Lima, Peru highlighted the mouth watering Ceviche and Peru’s tasty beverages of Pisco Sours, Chilicanos and Cusqueno Beer. And above I’ve already touched on Guinea Pig (Cuy).

Let’s talk about the Corn here. Which means gigantour popcorn. Corn here is gigantic. I had no clue this was even popcorn till someone told me. And then I ate it. It’s a weirder texture and not bad. I wouldn’t say I crave it but it’s worth trying for yourself for sure. There scarecrows must be the size of elephants here.

Alpaca steak is available in most restaurants here and is a tasty cut of meat. Doesn’t really have a strong difference from other cuts of meat.

The food here is just great. I’m just going to list the rest of em quick or I’ll have to do a whole blog just on the food. Street Churros filled with Dulce de leche. Weird Pop Tart things that are just ok tasting. Lomo Saltado which is pieces of steak on fries. Inca Kola which is Peru’s soda that tastes like Bubble Gum and is as bright as the Sun God’s heart. Yellow Sauce that is on potatoes and chicken that is to die for. And the soups, mmmmm they are divine from simple chicken noodle soup which they call diet soup or Creole soup that has a bit of a kick of flavor for those cold nights in Cusco.

PLAZA DE ARMAS: This is the main spot where everything congregated in Cusco. We got to see the Sun God Festival, people dancing in the streets, parade floats and fireworks everyday at every hour.

And this was the place that had the dance clubs a lot of them. The thing about Cusco is that it’s a tourist town so every night is Saturday Dance night and that’s a bad thing. Because a couple beers turns into a dance party till 4am a lot of times. I’m supposed to be a retired dancer but a couples cusquenos and chilicanos bring me out of it.

RAINBOW MOUNTAIN: The Place I didn’t go but wish I did. A gorgeous mountain that a bunch of my friends hiked. A day trip experience that is exhausting. Everyone who went cried about how hard it was. So be ready. Also be ready to see a beautiful mountain that looks like a rainbow. Here’s a pic of my friends showing some rainbow mountain pride.

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OVERALL: Peru’s food is bomb. Go to Machu Pichu it’s a better looking than you, even you if you are Channing Tatum. Eat it Channing. And even eat a Guinea Pig even though you don’t want to and then after you eat it you’ll be like shit it’s not that good. But you have to do it. Peru, love it with a nice tall glass of ice cold Cusqueno Beer.

My lil Guinea Pig went to market and got eaten.

What might be your pet Guinea pig that you dress up in the States. Is someone’s dinner in Peru. Fortunately I’ve never had a Guinea Pig for a pet because I’d have dressed it up in a tuxedo and would have probably hated me. They call Guinea Pig “Cuy” in Peru so that name helps with the weirdness that you are eating your friends pet. But ultimately I had to try the Guinea Pig because it was all up in my face the whole time I was in Cusco.

You walk the open markets and there’s Guinea Pig’s all over the place roasted in front of you ready to sell. You can’t escape it.

There are a lot of Guinea Pig Farms in Peru. They don’t need a lot of room like cows and other livestock and the reproduce really quickly. Which makes Guinea pigs a money maker. Imagine a guinea pig in a 3 piece suit smoking a cigar with a monocle. They are that rich.

Guinea Pigs are so popular they are on tourist T-shirts, dolls and more. They are even made into a big float character for parades. This one is apparently holding a goblet of beer getting wasted.

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Now it’s time to go eat Guinea Pig. My friend researched the most popular Guinea Pig Restaurant which is Pachapapa and went with a couple friends who we referred to as “The Guinea Pig Destroyers!” Apparently we felt we needed a bad ass name to grub on a tiny creature.

They bring the Guinea Pig out Full. So you can take pictures like a tourist. Wow, this thing looks scary like a miniature T-rex. Roaaarrrrrr! I actually feel a little bad for this T-Rex Monster almost as if he’s screaming for us not to eat him. Sorry dude you are already roasted…

They then said they’d chop it up and asked if we preferred it with or without the head. We said go headless because the head was staring at us and made us feel guilty for ending it’s life and eating it. So Headless please.

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What the hell does a Guinea Pig taste like? For starters they are high in protein and low in fat and cholesterol. Wow, a wonder meat. But only problem is I’m wondering where all the meat is at. There isn’t a lot of meat at all. Apparently these pigs of Guinea have been hitting the treadmill because they are super slim on the meat. People say it tastes similar to rabbit and dark meat chicken which I find pretty accurate.

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Also the waiter brought out the head of the guinea pig…..Stop looking at me guinea pig!!! I’m trying to eat your body….. Then I got lost in the guinea pigs eyess…as I ate his body in front of him. I recommend not eating a guinea pig with it’s head looking at you. Not great.

Would I eat a Guinea Pig again. No. Not because it was bad. It was just underwhelming. I had built them up in my belly’s mind that they were going to be something grander than they were. But it ended up being much like the pet Guinea Pig in the states something no one really gives a crap about.

 

Peru’s Ancient Penis

And no, I’m not referring to my penis. I’m referring to Machu Picchu. Did you know that Machu means Ancient and that Picchu means Penis in the Incan language. I had no clue that so many people were posting pictures of themselves with an Ancient Penis in the background, people are disgusting.

Most of you are are probably thinking how did Pootee figure this out he’s an idiot. Well in cusco they sell Penis Nose Masks. And I thought it be fun to do a video series called “Mr. Owl and Penis Nose.” So I bought an Owl Mask and a Penis Mask.

And then I started writing my Overview blog of Cusco Peru and I just came to the question of why the Penis nose, why the penis statue, why other penis things. It doesn’t make sense.

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Now all the penises all make sense. And now it’s a better place to retire than Florida. Because they worship Ancient Penis.

 

Bob and Mary: Buenos Aires

Welcome to another Adventure of Bob and Mary as they take in beautiful Buenos Aires. Bob is a grumpy goat guy and Mary is an uptight lovely lady.

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Mary: This man looks sooo sad.

Bob: You’d be sad too if birds shat on your head all day.

 

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Mary: Why is that guy standing on a tall pole.

Bob: Mary, I have no clue. Why are you asking me stupid questions?

Mary: Wow, that is so rude Bob. REALLY uncalled for.

Bob: I know why he is there now. So he can get couples to argue for no damn reason.

 

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Bob: Why on earth would they show a picture of Evita eating a sandwich on a building? Was she an avid sandwich eater or something.

Mary: It’s a microphone Bob.

Bob: Oh. That makes a lot more sense.

 

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Mary: Wow the US has one of those in DC.

Bob: Do you think it’s the same one and if you go in you can teleport from city to city.

Mary: No.

Bob: I miss the days when we could dream together Mary.

 

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Mary: Bob, why don’t we paint our house pink like this?

Bob: Because we ain’t Barbie and we don’t live in Malibu.

Mary: We should really consider moving to Malibu.

 

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Mary: We both thought this was Theater Colon.

Bob: But we went in and it was a court house and we felt like idiots.

 

Cinco Days in Lima!

 

Instead of finishing off my last 5 days in La Paz, Bolivia I took off to Lima. The name Lima comes from “I don’t want to shit my bed anymore in La Paz.” And the name really holds true. Lima was amazing. It’s a beautiful ocean town that feels at lot like my home of Los Angeles. We stayed in a neighborhood called Miraflores that feels a lot like Santa Monica.

CEVICHE: Wow, the best ceviche that I’ve had in my life. I’m not ceviche historian but I think it originates from Peru and then comes straight to my mouth where it belongs. And then I shit it out in a flower garden and it grows to become the most beautiful flower you’ve ever seen and it’s the size of a full grown tree. The flower is called “Holy shit that flower is big and beautiful and is nicknamed Mrs. Pickles.” Basically I’m saying that the Lima ceviche is bomb, a bomb blowing up happiness in your mouth. If you are in Lima get the ceviche at a good place and thank me. If you don’t like it then I don’t like you and you are never invited to my birthday party where I’ll have a clown named “Bubble Butt” that serves ceviche by spoon feeding it to you. Your choice.

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TWO OF MY OLD STUDENTS: I do my regular day job of Advertising but I’ve taught night school previously one day a week at Miami Ad School Amsterdam and later at Art Center. Two of my students from 8 years ago Erik and Jomi are Creative Directors at an ad agency in Peru. Great guys. Great talent. Humble and amazing people. So they showed me around and I got to hang out with them and grab some drinks. Erik took me out a couple other times. Here’s Erik about to give himself a mouthgasm with ceviche.

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I don’t have a picture of Jomi. So just picture a guy that looks like Jon Claude Van Dame and has bulging muscles and a tattoo of a basket of kittens on his neck. He’s a cool dude. But obviously Erik is more photogenic because Jomi is camera shy.

DRINKS OF PERU: Erik and Jomi made me drink Chilcanos which are a mix of Pisco, Ginger ale and splash of Lemon juice. They are delicious and refreshing and they are the number two drink of Peru after Pisco Sours. Pisco Sours are to sweet for me and I felt I was getting diabetes after drinking them and apparently 2 will have you dancing in your underwear in the streets pretending that you work at a Cream Corn Factory so you need to drink Pisco Sours with Caution. What is Pisco? It’s Peru’s hard liquor I’d say it’s kind of like a mix of vodka and light rum. Peru’s main beer is Cusquena which is a light refreshing beer that I would enjoy regularly, I didn’t love it but it was a nice beer worth trying for sure. Here’s a pic of a toast of Cusquena with my roomies in Lima.

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CHEZ WONG: Erik and Jomi are friends with Javier Wong who owns Chez Wong. And this is the Best Ceviche in the land of Ceviche. There’s usually a month wait for a table but they hooked me up and blew my mind. The experience with the food was off the charts. But beyond that we got to enjoy a couple beers with Javier Wong after our meal. He was an amazing character and after talking to him I left inspired in life in general. There are special people out there that have a power to make you want to take on life to it’s fullest and Javier is one of them.  I plan to write a full blog post on Javier because well he deserves it.

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CAT PARK: What the hell is this? It’s a full park that is full of Cats.This shit is insane. Especially since I’m allergic to cats which means in general I hate them. Not out of real hate but out of that I can’t fucking breathe and my throat swells up and I start wheezing like an old lady on a defibrillator. One time I dated a girl and I spent the night and she had a cat so my dumb ass couldn’t breathe and I had to sleep on the balcony. Nice story of a stupid man. Back to the cat park. I loved the cat park and I don’t like cats. It was a beautiful park with flowers and well kept and the hundreds of cats would just chill around the park like they owned it. Super chill cats too. I was just in shock. It’s probably not that shocking to most people but I can’t help my emotions so deal with these cat pics in a park.

LA LUCHA SANGUCHERIA: I swam in Chilcanos in downtown Lima with my Peruvian friend Erik and he took me to his favorite late night sandwich place. He said this sandwich place makes McDonalds eat dirty diapers for dinner. And I’m like McDonalds sucks camel balls everywhere. But I’m not gonna kick it out of my mouth at 3am. His point was that La Lucha Sangucheria was an awesome late night sandwich place and when a drunk person is trying to convince another drunk person on this attribute it becomes pretty easy. Before I had this sandwich I wanted to sing a song about it as a paraglided through the air, “Laaaaaaa Luchaaaaa Sangucheria!!!!!! I want to eat youuuuuu, you beautiful angel, float into my bellllyyyyyy!!!” It’s hard to really hear the song just in type. Just know that it’s one of the best songs that has ever been written at 3am as you long for greasy food for your belly.

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And he was right. The food was amazing! And looking back I don’t remember if I had the “Chicharron” or the “Lechon a Lena.” I just remembered they were the recommended one’s on the menu. Whatever was in my face was delicious and I still think about it, however I never got the sandwiches number so now I just live in a dream of what if and should of could of’s.

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So the next day was my buddy Jonathan’s birthday and he wanted to go to a sandwich place for birthday lunch. And it was the same place. So I ate it again. The sandwiches are cut in half, so we got both of the recommended ones. And then I got married to the sandwiches. I’m sorry I didn’t invite you to the wedding but not everyone looks lovingly on humans marrying sandwiches. We have sandwich children named “Patrichicharon” and  “Lucy la Sangucheria.” They are beautiful children and I love them until I ate them. Now I feel really bad. So fair warning if you come to this sandwich place you will love it and probably marry one of the sandwiches and you might eat your children. Just be prepared.

AXE BODY SPRAY: My friend bought some Axe Body Spray. Why? I have no clue apparently he smells like a used urinal soap. So we started creating the worst homemade Axe Body spray ad that has ever existed. Prepare to wish you burned your eyeballs out OR even worse that you actually wear axe body spray and smell like llama anus. I shouldn’t be judging dudes on trying to smell sexy for ladies as my nickname is Pootee and the name was given to me because I farted once in 10th grade. So wear your axe body spray boys and I will stop judging you and just be jealous of your chemical aroma. Don’t be jealous of this video bc it sucks balls but was fun to screw around and make quickly.

STAYED IN MIRAFLORES: Miraflores was a great area to stay in and from talking to locals they thought the same thing. We stayed in an AirBnb with 5 people and one of the old rooms was the old Maids Quarters. And I had the privilege of staying in this beautiful room and I did a Crib Video of it.

Also there was a hand towel in the bathroom with the initials of “JIS” on it, I am 12 years old.

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SOME RANDOM THINGS: It was Pretty foggy there for the most part since we are in winter. So I wasn’t sunbathing in a speedo. I apologize for not being able to show you pictures of that. You’ll just have to be patient. Here’s some views from near our AirBnB of the water and the city. Also people were paragliding all over the place. And a picture of a Big Ant that was named Thomas in the neighborhood of Barranco.

LIMA OVERALL: I loved it. Beautiful place. People were warm and kind. Food was amazing except when I ate my sandwich children. Beautiful views. A place you should visit. And if you don’t then that’s your choice, just don’t expect to come to my birthday party with Bubble Butt the clown feeding you Ceviche. Bubble Butt also plans to sing my sandwich song in opera. So Come to Lima, Peru or you will regret.

Cusco, Peru: Crib

Here’s a tour of my monthly Crib in Cusco, Peru. I stayed in a hotel called “Hotel Pension Alemena.” It actually was a very comfortable and nice hotel. It was freezing at night and I had to have a portable heater but beyond that it was very comfortable. I lived alone this month but then I became friends with a llama hybrid named “Ponchita.” And my only advice is, “Don’t trust llama hybrids because they will take advantage of you.”

3rd of 12 Short Films: “The Salt Flat People”

My third shirt film of 12 this year is shot in the Uyuni Salt Flats in Bolivia. It is called, “The Salt Flat People.” It’s about a guy who finds himself in a weird place that is all salt and meets a Salt Flat person.

Want to give a big thanks to my two actors Matt S and Jonathan. Especially Jonathon who had white shit smeared all over his body and took days to get off.

 

This short film was very difficult mainly because I was very sick in Bolivia. I had a basic idea of the Salt Flat people that I could shoot in the Uyuni Salt flats. However, I tried to write a script when I was sick and read it the next day and it was giant piece of smoking shit. So I decided to work around being sick and I shot footage based on a loose story structure and a variety of facial expressions from my actors and then wrote the script after. Also I made them speak through their minds since the wind in the salt flats was unforgiving so I could write anything I wanted for my actors to say. I do not recommend this process as script ideas died after this because I just didn’t have the right footage. However, I did work around being sick and have something that looks gorgeous and is a different style than I usually do which means it’s not comedy. So don’t expect giggles and the feeling of being tickled. If you want that you should tickle yourself while watching it. If you do tickle yourself while watching please take pictures of it and send them to me as I will cherish them like a newborn baby.

 

 

 

3 Films down and 9 more to go this year.