Santorini gave me a hand with Romance.

 

Santorini, Greece is one of the most beautiful and romantic places I have ever been in my life.  Which is why I brought an old flame to this island of love. I’ve been on and off with Palmela since I was a teenager and we somehow always end up with each other. She can be a handful at times but all in all I wouldn’t want to be on this island of romance with anyone else.

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Santorini has some of the most gorgeous sunsets you’ve ever seen. So we started our romantic getaway by going to the northern part of the island called Oai which is known for the best sunsets on the island and possibly the world. Damnnnnn! Get ready to cry with all the gorgeousness happening around you, which made my little lady Palmela putty in my hands.

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Romance had just begun especially after Palmela saw the AirBnb we were staying in. Welcome to the love palace. The place used to be a wine cellar that they transformed into a house. And Palmela loves wine so I knew this would a cherry on the sunset. Her black marker eyes grew wider as she was blown away and it just made me more intoxicated in love with her.

We went to Kamari beach the next day. It’s called the Black beach because the sand is made from black volcanic rocks. This place was rad you get a little beach bed and they bring you drinks and food as the sun smothers you with kisses. And Palmela smothered me with kisses too as our dormant love began erupting again. There is no other gal I would rather do a pathetic duck face selfie with.

For dinner we had romance served on platter in the form of another gorgeous sunset and Volkan local beer. As I stared at Palmela we spoke in unspoken sunset talk. Which is basically, “booyyyyyyyy you soooo crazy I want to have your baby!!!” I was like slow down girl, let’s just enjoy the sea bass and as I stared at her I wondered is this the one. Are we going to grow old and have hand babies together with cute little baby hand mittens? Is this island all we really needed.

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That night we went into Fira, the main part of town, and we put down shots of Uzo and drafts of Myros. Palmela was dancing on the bar. That girl can dance. And then I remembered why we never worked out. She started to peeing on the bar. She started to makeout with strangers and I just laughed at how stupid I was thinking that we could have little hand babies together as she’s high fiving any dude around her.  This is both of us waking up faded from a wild night of uzo and beer.

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Our last day was on a sunset cruise. We saw the red and white beaches and bathed in the volcanic hot spots. And we talked. And as beautiful as our love started it faded away like every sunset on beautiful Santorini. But every sunset turns out beautiful because as our love set I met another girl on the boat, her name was Alhandra…

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Prague Short films: “Princess” and “Hippy Hollow”

For the month of Prague I asked my fellow travel companions to submit ideas for short films in one paragraph. Then I picked my favorite to write and shoot this month in Prague. Well I actually picked two favorites. Both are very different than each other and different than my normal style. So it was nice to mix it up with two different film ideas. Below are both films “Princess” and “Hippy Hollow.” So this is my 6th and 7th short film out of 12 this year, at this point I will have 13 short films by the end of the year.

“Princess” is a story of Princess searching for her Prince in Prague from the dark mind of Matt Sherwood.

The second short is “Hippy Hollow” which is about 3 roommates, 2 weirdos and 1 love from the minds of David Baum and Kirsten Westeinde.

Vienna from a local friend’s eyes

One of the Europeans, Jacek, that I’m traveling with is from Vienna, Austria. While we were in Prague he offered to share his city through his eyes for a weekend. So just like “Being John Malkovich” I crawled into his body for the weekend. I know what you are thinking, this is really creepy. Actually it’s not, it’s awesome because he’s really fit and I’m picking up way more woman being in his body than my own. I’ve decided to not give him his body back. Sorry Jacek. Also sorry to Jacek’s sister, who graciously let us stay in her apartment where we made it smell like dirty men.

CROSS WALKS: The cross walk’s are rad here. They show a little love as you cross the street. Not all the stop lights show this love but 49 of them in the city do which is pretty sweet. The crosswalks show same sex couples and opposite sex couples with a little heart above them. They were installed years ago for the Eurovision Song Contest and “Life Ball” a charity event to raise money for HIV and Aids.

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HITLER’S BALCONY: One of the things that really stood out is the balcony at Hofburg palace, which is the Balcony that Hitler gave one of his biggest speeches. Hitler was born in Austria and was a failed painter before moving to Germany. Jacek played the audio of the famous speech as we stood in front of it. It was a creepy and odd feeling to be around such a dark part of history.

Here’s some video footage of his speech from this balcony.

FOOD AND DRINK: Austria is known for their Schnitzel which is meat pounded thin then breaded and fried. It’s fried so of course it’s delicious. I enjoyed a lot of their lagers too especially Ottakringer and tried their local soda called Almdudler which is a little fruity ginger ale.

KaseKrainer is a sausage with cheese in it. It brought me back to my youth of eating hotdogs with cheese in them which I absolutely loved. But these were a thousands times better and apparently a staple of late night drunk eating in Vienna. Also the Buns are a hollowed out roll that they put condiments and your sausage in which makes it a lot less messy to eat. And it makes it feel like your sausage is a little baby safely swaddled until you eat your baby and you become a disgraced baby eater.

Sacher Cake is a chocolate and marmalade cake made famous from the Hotel Sacher. Another Austrian desert is the KaiserSchmarren (Emperor’s Mess) which is a shredded sweet pancake with berries and powdered sugar on it. Austria’s version of Coffee is Melange which is, a lot like a cappucino, one espresso shot in a coffee cup topped with milk steamed and foamed.

VOLKSGARTAN BOOTY SHAKING CLUB: Volksgartan was a club to shake my money maker. Apparently we were around a time where you dress in lederhosen. And the girls had traditional Dirndl dresses on that looked like german beer maids and ladies from the sound of music. Which made me do music sounds in my pants as I watched a combo of electronic music and girls dancing in Dirndl’s, hot, hot, hot. Like call the Fire Department that puts out the fires at the fire department hot. I thought this was just an Octoberfest thing in Germany but apparently not. Apparently I didn’t get creepy and take pics of the girls in their Dirndl’s so I added a pic from google of what they were wearing below.

Electronic music usually isn’t my thing. But there’s a certain point where you just let loose anyways and shake what your momma gave you. And she gave me a booty shaker as this video below makes me look way cooler than I actually am.

CITY TOUR: Jacek gave us a walking tour of his beautiful city with a digital tour with a portable speaker. I have never tried a digital tour but it was great and nice avoiding the painstaking walking tours. We saw a variety of sites from Saint Petersburg Church that has a claustrophobic stairways to get a view from the top, Opera house, National Library (Hitler’s Balcony), Palace and more.

STREET ART: The street art was nice here and I captured a couple pics walking alongside the river under the bridge.

CARNIVAL: We walked through a carnival and I got to see a bunch of rides. One ride awoke the 12 year old boy inside me, the ride is called the Auto Fhart. “Fhart” means ride or trip. I feel like I ruined the picture below by explaining logic of “Fhart,” please erase the last sentence from your mind and enjoy your ignorant Fhart bliss. Also I love the bear on this picture, he looks like he’s running through the meadow fahrting everywhere and wants to bear hug you and not let you go so you have to smell his bear Fharts. He’s a class act.

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The Carnival also had a “Wiener Pony Carousel” that had real ponies walking around. So somewhere in Austria their is a sad jobless creepy plastic carousel pony crying ceramic tears.

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OVERALL: Vienna is a beautiful and extremely organized city. And it’s always more beautiful through the eyes of a friend. Even if you have to crawl into their body to see it.

 

What is a Shelf Toilet?

While I was in Prague the apartment I stayed in had a shelf toilet. What is a shelf toilet you say? That is the same thing I was wondering as I looked at this odd invention that seemed quite disgusting even for my 12 year old childish mind. Well get ready for another education lesson from Pootee the Explorer.

The shelf is for examination. So when you poop your crap lays on the ceramic shelf so you can examine it. Very odd for an American. But in Germany this is common. This is for health reasons to combat intestinal disease, water-born parasites, worms, undercooked pork sausage, etc. Makes perfect sense in 1900 and absolutely no sense in current times. It’s a pain in the ass because I have to flush like 7 times to get a log cabin I created off the shelf.

Apparently when Germany occupied Prague they conquered some  of their toilets too. Here’s some of my poop for you to examine. I think I had Duck, cabbage, dumplings and red wine. This pic is wayyyyyyy down  below so you can avoid it or if you are daring or disgusting you can scroll down and check it out.

My

Poop

on

a

Shelf

is

below.

Don’t

worry

it’s

a

small

poop.

You

are

entering

the

danger

zone.

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DANKU PRAGUE

Danku means Thank you in Prague and I can’t pronounce it to save the life of me. (Also it was pointed out that I can’t spell it either as it is spelled “dekuji” and not “danku” as I’ve been imagining it this whole time.) But it’s cool, I can’t pronounce the English language either. Prague is a gorgeous and charming city. So far it’s been my favorite city to live in for a month. It’s not the hustle and bustle of a bigger city and it’s not to small either. There’s something comfortable here while it still has a slight edge.

CHARLES BRIDGE: Get ready to cross a bridge with about a hundred statues on it. King Charles was not messing around when he built his bridge. This thing is fancier than my fancy pants. There’s two points on the bridge where you are supposed to put your hand on the statue and make a wish. These are the brightest spots to touch as all the rest of the statues are blackish.

MEET AT THE HORSE: I was told by the locals that they often say to “Meet by the Horse.” Referring to this glorious horse with some dude riding on it. The horse doesn’t have a name so you can call it whatever you want. I call it Alice and it hates it which is why I continued to call that since it can’t attack me since it’s a statue. Some would call that a bit of a wussy move. But I don’t care because no one has ever said let’s meet at Patrick and I’m very jealous.

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SMILE LESS CZECHS: Czech people don’t smile very often. I don’t know why. I find it sad, so I started leg lunging across the city which only made my friends smile. The locals were weirded out and I continued as my friends laughed as I’d go near unexpected ladies and leg lunge. I was approached by a girl from Ukraine who wanted leg lunging lessons and then schooled the shit out of me. As she did a hand stand and twerked what her momma gave her. I’m a retired dancer so I had no shame in losing especially when I found out she was a “Dance Hall Queen.” Never heard of Dance Hall? Either had I until I got educated that night. It’s basically a freaking deaky dance from Jamaica.

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SHORT FILM #6: I did an experiment this month and asked people in Remote Year to submit film ideas in one paragraph. I had about 10 submissions and picked my favorite. However the two ideas I liked the most were very different, so I decided to do two short films this month. Apparently I’m a gluten for punishment. Heres pics from the two different shoots “Princess” and “Hippy Hollow.”

FOOD N DRINKS AND STUFF: Main meals for Czech is Meat (Duck, Pork or Beef), Cabbage and Dumplings. Dumplings are not what you expect. I’m expecting more Asian dumplings but the dumplings are more of a bread loaf made and then sliced as small pieces of bread. But they come in potato, bread, and other forms as dumplings. When they first came out I was like where are my damn dumplings? Then I realized we need to have a dumpling convention and have a fight for the right for the name of dumplings. Asian dumplings vs European dumplings, who will win? Check out the pics below to see a potato dumpling and bread dumpling.

Chimney Cakes (Trdelnik) are basically rolled cinnabon things. They roll some into an ice cream cone so you can devour ice cream out of it. Damn these things are good, this is why I’m fat. Kofola is a Czech soda that apparently was created to try and rival Coke. They lost but they ended up with a nice soda that has a light licorice taste.

Some other Czech foods are Sausages and a lot more sausages. I have never eaten so much sausage in my life, (Insert your childish joke here). Also Goulash but it’s not a soup here but more of a meat in a rich sauce. Honey cake for desert which is a light cake. And Hot dogs come in rolls that are burrowed out of to fit the hot dog and condiments. Also there is beautiful beers here that don’t need an introduction as gorgeous golden ladies.

OLD TOWN: This is where all the classic monuments are. The Astronomical clock that puts on a little show every hour. And an assortment of beautiful statues and churches. Get the sunset to join in and you got a beauty of place.

KAFKA HEAD: The Kafka head that turns like a rubix cube but only side to side. It was really interesting to watch.

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SIDE TRIPS: There are a bunch of opportunities for side trips from Prague. I jumped on a Train and visited Budapest and Vienna. I’m doing a blog post of Budapest and Vienna shortly.

LEAGUE OF EXTRAORDINARY GENTLEMEN: Basically a group created for the old men in Remote Year. You have to be 35+ and have a penis. Extremely hard qualifications and I barely made it in because they were unsure about me since people always call me a pussy. Who knows, maybe I’m a Female spy? We went to a meat place and had amazing Steak Tartar since Czech is so well known for it. It was amazing.

HOMELESS: The homeless beg like I’ve never seen it before. Begging on their knees in shame or laying their whole body  on the floor. You feel for it as they make themselves so vulnerable.

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BABY TOWER: I lived next to the Baby Tower which is the Zizkov Tower. It’s a tower with Baby’s crawling up. It’s amazing. The elevator for there is you go inside a baby and it crawls you up to the top or at least that’s what I’ve made up.

Danku Prague. You were lovely. And Apparently I did a lot more here in a month than I realized after finishing this long blog post. Now on to Belgrade, Serbia for a month.

Prague Crib with European Pat

Here’s a tour of my monthly Crib in Prague. This is one of the nicest apartments I’ve stayed in so far with Remote Year. I had two roommates and we rock paper scissored for the best room with a sweet balcony. I was victorious. European Patrick will give you the tour. A man who likes to unbutton his shirt to his navel, slick his hair back and give crib tours in the form of dance. Enjoy.

5th of 12 Short Films: “Garbage Can Stories”

My 5th short film this year shot in London is called “Garbage Can Stories.” It’s about a writer that can’t get anything published and throws all his ideas in the garbage. But what if we went in the garbage and read his stories. Shot in London and cost about $40 US dollars in props. 5 films down this year and 7 more to go.

 

Cherrio London, Cherrio

After 4 months in South America it was a nice change to come to London where everyone spoke English again. South America kinda didn’t follow rules compared to Britain that follows almost every rule. Bit of a culture shock change after South America. I feel the US falls in between these two places.

WIMBLEDON: I was told by many friends that you have to Que early in the morning to get in to Wimbledon if you don’t have tickets. But I went at the end of the day and got in easy. Yeahhhhhh Boyyyyyy!

We even got to see the William’s sisters play. And got to see probably the best Women’s tennis player of our generation, Serena. Seeing both sisters out there you look at them and they don’t even look alike. Venus is so tiny and slim while Serena is a Tank. A bad ass tank with legs made of Rocket Launchers. This girl was so big compared to these tiny ass little girls with their little squeals of ahhhhhhhh and when Serena hit it sounded like an elephant trumpeting that just took a shit all over you. She was a beast. A freak of nature even compared to her sister. It was amazing being able to watch her live. 

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THE LONDON OBVIOUS: Oh the beauty of London with its gorgeous sites all around the city. With Beg Ben, London eye that looks like a big Ferris Wheel, to Statues, Guards that act like mannequins, Red Double Decker Buses, Black Cabs that I never used cause Ubers are cheaper to Red Phone booths that I never saw anyone use.

THE LONDON UNOBVIOUS: They have bad ass parks in London that I never realized. I thought it was going to be city grid but I was pleasantly surprised by the many well kept parks. I visited three or four parks. I like Richmond Park because it had live deer roaming freely. And Hampstead Heath Park that was just huge. It had swimming holes for Men, Women And Coed.

FOOD: London is known for shitty food. Which is true. I wasn’t a fan of any of their Traditional London food.Blood Sausages, Barf. Porridge, vomit on my head. I did have some bomb ass fish and chips. If you like to die of cholesterol, then yes it’s awesome.

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Once you step outside of the traditional British food the food gets a lot better. I had plenty of great steaks and other food. But the gold star of London for me is the Indian Food. It’s amazing here. The indian food in the US is shit compared to the indian food here. I have no clue why. When I lived in Amsterdam, 8 years ago, it was the same thing and I never found Indian food that compared till I started eating it here in London. I guess I should go to India. Only regret I have is not doing a high tea and pretending to be swanky because I got real good swank moves.

DRINKING CULTURE: The drinking culture is insane here. They go to pubs right after work, around 5 or 6pm and start enjoying beers. But they stop serving drinks at 1130pm in Pubs which I took as a sign from god to cut me off for the month. Since we were here in the Summer I enjoyed Pimms which is served a lot like Sangria. You put chopped fruit, lemonade and pour in some Pimms liquor. It’s nice and refreshing for the hot London Summer.

SHOT 5th SHORT FILM: My 5th Short Film shot in London is called “Garbage Can Stories.” About a writer and the stories he throws away in the garbage can that no one sees. Here’s a pic of some of my actor extraordinaries.

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SIDE TRIPS: London is amazing because side trips are so easy to do. I had plenty of friends go to Edinburgh, Paris, Amsterdam and more. I went to Leuven, Belgium as a fellow Belgium Remote wanted to introduce us to his friends and Family. It was an amazing and charming place and the home of Stella where we took a tour of. I’m going to give it it’s own proper blog post later on.

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BREXIT: I came weeks after Brexit happened. It was great for me financially as the Pound dropped significantly and made everything cheaper in an expensive city. For those that don’t know what Brexit is, it’s when Britain voted to Exit the European Union. After talking to locals in London about it they were very disappointed. They were almost in shock and awe that something so stupid could happen in their country. London, the big city, was against Brexit while the outlying smaller towns in Britain were for it. And now Britain realizes they made a huge mistake. The US is in a similar position with Trump which is clearly a huge mistake for our country. I’ve never been scared for my country  till Trump who’s championing hate and fear and has a real chance of winning. Our Brexit is Trump which is a lot scarier.

4TH OF JULY: Ironically we celebrated US independence day in the country we got independence from. We celebrated with our welcome party which started on a Red Double Decker Bus that we got to enjoy drinks on as we got a tour of the city. Eventually we ended up at a bar that was having a hot dog eating contest. Hot Dog Eating contest is a great way to show what we use out independence for, stupidity.

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VINCE VAUGHN DOPPLE GANGER: 5 times in London I posed for pictures for people who thought I looked like Vince Vaughn.He is my dopple ganger. I like to tell people that I’m his brother Patrick Vaughn.

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Cheerio London, Cheerio. It’s time to enjoy Prague.

More Andy in The Park in Cordoba

Andy in the Park is my friend Andy in Parks around the world pondering things. These are some more ponderings from Cordoba, Argentina. Hopefully we get some more parks as we travel this year. Here’s three of them.

STREET DOGS: There are a lot of street dogs in Cordoba and Andy realizes people should treat them with more respect.

WRINKLED SHIRT: The main reason we started Andy in the Park is because one day in wine country in Mendoza I commented on Andy’s wrinkled shirt and said it looked like a wrinkled ballsack. Which made us decide to do this. Originally I wasn’t going to share the wrinkled shirt one because it wasn’t commentary on where we were traveling. But screw it we haven’t done another country again yet…so here it is anyways.

BIDETS: The originally Andy in the Park we did 4 months ago about Andy thinking of Bidets in South America and why they exist. Still think it’s a very insightful Andy thought.