Instead of finishing off my last 5 days in La Paz, Bolivia I took off to Lima. The name Lima comes from “I don’t want to shit my bed anymore in La Paz.” And the name really holds true. Lima was amazing. It’s a beautiful ocean town that feels at lot like my home of Los Angeles. We stayed in a neighborhood called Miraflores that feels a lot like Santa Monica.
CEVICHE: Wow, the best ceviche that I’ve had in my life. I’m not ceviche historian but I think it originates from Peru and then comes straight to my mouth where it belongs. And then I shit it out in a flower garden and it grows to become the most beautiful flower you’ve ever seen and it’s the size of a full grown tree. The flower is called “Holy shit that flower is big and beautiful and is nicknamed Mrs. Pickles.” Basically I’m saying that the Lima ceviche is bomb, a bomb blowing up happiness in your mouth. If you are in Lima get the ceviche at a good place and thank me. If you don’t like it then I don’t like you and you are never invited to my birthday party where I’ll have a clown named “Bubble Butt” that serves ceviche by spoon feeding it to you. Your choice.
TWO OF MY OLD STUDENTS: I do my regular day job of Advertising but I’ve taught night school previously one day a week at Miami Ad School Amsterdam and later at Art Center. Two of my students from 8 years ago Erik and Jomi are Creative Directors at an ad agency in Peru. Great guys. Great talent. Humble and amazing people. So they showed me around and I got to hang out with them and grab some drinks. Erik took me out a couple other times. Here’s Erik about to give himself a mouthgasm with ceviche.
I don’t have a picture of Jomi. So just picture a guy that looks like Jon Claude Van Dame and has bulging muscles and a tattoo of a basket of kittens on his neck. He’s a cool dude. But obviously Erik is more photogenic because Jomi is camera shy.
DRINKS OF PERU: Erik and Jomi made me drink Chilcanos which are a mix of Pisco, Ginger ale and splash of Lemon juice. They are delicious and refreshing and they are the number two drink of Peru after Pisco Sours. Pisco Sours are to sweet for me and I felt I was getting diabetes after drinking them and apparently 2 will have you dancing in your underwear in the streets pretending that you work at a Cream Corn Factory so you need to drink Pisco Sours with Caution. What is Pisco? It’s Peru’s hard liquor I’d say it’s kind of like a mix of vodka and light rum. Peru’s main beer is Cusquena which is a light refreshing beer that I would enjoy regularly, I didn’t love it but it was a nice beer worth trying for sure. Here’s a pic of a toast of Cusquena with my roomies in Lima.
CHEZ WONG: Erik and Jomi are friends with Javier Wong who owns Chez Wong. And this is the Best Ceviche in the land of Ceviche. There’s usually a month wait for a table but they hooked me up and blew my mind. The experience with the food was off the charts. But beyond that we got to enjoy a couple beers with Javier Wong after our meal. He was an amazing character and after talking to him I left inspired in life in general. There are special people out there that have a power to make you want to take on life to it’s fullest and Javier is one of them. I plan to write a full blog post on Javier because well he deserves it.
CAT PARK: What the hell is this? It’s a full park that is full of Cats.This shit is insane. Especially since I’m allergic to cats which means in general I hate them. Not out of real hate but out of that I can’t fucking breathe and my throat swells up and I start wheezing like an old lady on a defibrillator. One time I dated a girl and I spent the night and she had a cat so my dumb ass couldn’t breathe and I had to sleep on the balcony. Nice story of a stupid man. Back to the cat park. I loved the cat park and I don’t like cats. It was a beautiful park with flowers and well kept and the hundreds of cats would just chill around the park like they owned it. Super chill cats too. I was just in shock. It’s probably not that shocking to most people but I can’t help my emotions so deal with these cat pics in a park.
LA LUCHA SANGUCHERIA: I swam in Chilcanos in downtown Lima with my Peruvian friend Erik and he took me to his favorite late night sandwich place. He said this sandwich place makes McDonalds eat dirty diapers for dinner. And I’m like McDonalds sucks camel balls everywhere. But I’m not gonna kick it out of my mouth at 3am. His point was that La Lucha Sangucheria was an awesome late night sandwich place and when a drunk person is trying to convince another drunk person on this attribute it becomes pretty easy. Before I had this sandwich I wanted to sing a song about it as a paraglided through the air, “Laaaaaaa Luchaaaaa Sangucheria!!!!!! I want to eat youuuuuu, you beautiful angel, float into my bellllyyyyyy!!!” It’s hard to really hear the song just in type. Just know that it’s one of the best songs that has ever been written at 3am as you long for greasy food for your belly.
And he was right. The food was amazing! And looking back I don’t remember if I had the “Chicharron” or the “Lechon a Lena.” I just remembered they were the recommended one’s on the menu. Whatever was in my face was delicious and I still think about it, however I never got the sandwiches number so now I just live in a dream of what if and should of could of’s.
So the next day was my buddy Jonathan’s birthday and he wanted to go to a sandwich place for birthday lunch. And it was the same place. So I ate it again. The sandwiches are cut in half, so we got both of the recommended ones. And then I got married to the sandwiches. I’m sorry I didn’t invite you to the wedding but not everyone looks lovingly on humans marrying sandwiches. We have sandwich children named “Patrichicharon” and “Lucy la Sangucheria.” They are beautiful children and I love them until I ate them. Now I feel really bad. So fair warning if you come to this sandwich place you will love it and probably marry one of the sandwiches and you might eat your children. Just be prepared.
AXE BODY SPRAY: My friend bought some Axe Body Spray. Why? I have no clue apparently he smells like a used urinal soap. So we started creating the worst homemade Axe Body spray ad that has ever existed. Prepare to wish you burned your eyeballs out OR even worse that you actually wear axe body spray and smell like llama anus. I shouldn’t be judging dudes on trying to smell sexy for ladies as my nickname is Pootee and the name was given to me because I farted once in 10th grade. So wear your axe body spray boys and I will stop judging you and just be jealous of your chemical aroma. Don’t be jealous of this video bc it sucks balls but was fun to screw around and make quickly.
STAYED IN MIRAFLORES: Miraflores was a great area to stay in and from talking to locals they thought the same thing. We stayed in an AirBnb with 5 people and one of the old rooms was the old Maids Quarters. And I had the privilege of staying in this beautiful room and I did a Crib Video of it.
Also there was a hand towel in the bathroom with the initials of “JIS” on it, I am 12 years old.
SOME RANDOM THINGS: It was Pretty foggy there for the most part since we are in winter. So I wasn’t sunbathing in a speedo. I apologize for not being able to show you pictures of that. You’ll just have to be patient. Here’s some views from near our AirBnB of the water and the city. Also people were paragliding all over the place. And a picture of a Big Ant that was named Thomas in the neighborhood of Barranco.
LIMA OVERALL: I loved it. Beautiful place. People were warm and kind. Food was amazing except when I ate my sandwich children. Beautiful views. A place you should visit. And if you don’t then that’s your choice, just don’t expect to come to my birthday party with Bubble Butt the clown feeding you Ceviche. Bubble Butt also plans to sing my sandwich song in opera. So Come to Lima, Peru or you will regret.