I bath in Baby Wipes

I am a male. A filthy disgusting farting and pooping male. I smell like a 100 unbathed dogs. Which is why I shower everyday to make that strong poignant smell of barferoni leave my body and go to the sewers down the drain where it belongs where Ninja Turtles can fight it and destroy it. Every man smells. It’s what being a full red blooded man is about. Wow, that last sentence made me feel kind of tough and rad. Like I should post a video of me chopping down a tree and doing pushups with puppies on my back. I wasn’t trying to hype myself up but I did. Ladies, I’m single. And when I’m showered I don’t smell like a wet cat farted on me. Message me.

I got a little distracted in the last paragraph. Main point, men stink. Back to the story.

And for the past two days the water in our Cordoba Crib hasn’t worked.

Which means no showering. Which means this man is going to stink even more. So my roommate and I bought baby wipes and I now smell like fresh baby powder. My whole body waifs of baby butt smell. Have you ever wondered why there isn’t a cologne out there called fresh baby butt? Because it’s repulsive it’s only supposed to be used on your ass not wiped all over your face.

We also bought 7 big bottles of water so we can brush our teeth and if anything else comes up.

But the main problem of not having water is not being able to take a shit. Imagine you wake up and you have a giant log named Henry living in your Fresh Baby butt smelling body. And you can’t poop anywhere. You just sit and wait and hope.

Henry is screaming, “I want Freedom!!!!!!” like he’s Mel Gibson in Braveheart giving a speech to let my bowels explode into the world. He’s like one of those singing Fish singing take me to the River!!!!!! Fuck, I want to take you anywhere that is not in my butt anymore. But I can’t. Because I can’t poop in my own house! Because if it doesn’t go down the toilet our house will smell like corn and peanuts trilogy of shame and I will probably die. And I don’t want my tombstone to read. Man dies from the smell of his own shit. That’s just wrong.

So I have to walk down the street and find a public bathroom smelling and looking like a homeless man asking if I can use their restroom with my non existent Spanish.

It’s actually very funny. Especially since the water started working again this morning. Then it stopped. Then it worked again… I’m going to go and shit while I can. Bye.

 

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